I keep going back and forth in my mind about going in to detail about our problems...They are really nothing to be secretive about. I don't always like to think about our issues because I feel responsible for a lot of our problems. I feel like I have shared a million times that I struggle with anxiety. I guess I just keep bringing it up because it is a major issue for me. My anxiety not only comes from worrying about things, but more specifically, what people think about me. I feel the weight of people's opinions on me constantly. A small example that I have shared before is when I am in a drive-thru line. I order as quickly as possible and I ALWAYS have my money ready to go when I get to the window...God forbid, the person behind me would have to wait an extra 30 seconds on my account!
That kind of issue is really not a big deal on it's own, but add my sweet wife in the drivers seat and things get really tricky! Neely likes to pull up to the ordering speaker and then look the menu over...I wish I could tell you the exact number of times she has sensed me being in a rush and said about the car behind us, "oh they're just fine." Meaning that the people behind us will be alright if they have to wait a couple of minutes on us. The frustrating thing about it is I know Neely is right. I know it isn't going to kill anyone if they have to wait a few minutes...
It's easier said then done...
Here's how is how Neely and I's differences go from simple to out of control...
Neely sees me rushed...worrying about the car behind us.
Neely thinks I care more about the car behind us then her feelings (rightfully so.)
Neely believes that she is making me nervous.
At this point I am not thinking about Neely, only the pressure to hurry.
She then becomes anxious and nervous because I am uptight.
She rushes.
As we drive off, Neely feels uncomfortable and frustrated because something simple was turned into something stressful.
Before she knows it she becomes irritable .
At this point I am relieved we are finally out from the pressure.
Then the tidal wave comes when I realize Neely is feeling all the emotions above.
I ask what I did wrong.
2 hours later we are both more hurt and upset and I still don't know what I did wrong.
and on and on it goes, getting bigger and more out of control.
This is only ONE of my many issues. Put all of my struggles and issues in a big pot and throw in the few things Neely struggles with and it makes for an interesting blend.
Throughout our marriage I have always believed the Lord would use the hard times we have had for good. I have always sensed that the Lord had a specific purpose for our struggles. I guess I thought He would let up a lot sooner! Neely and I are still right in the thick of battling for our marriage. Life is day-to-day if not hour-by-hour clawing to have hope in the midst of our circumstances. Life is hard. We are in marriage counseling for the second time in our short 5 years of marriage. It has been hard to have hope lately. Both of us have to focus on the things we do have. We have the same convictions, the same hopes and dreams for Drew, and wonderful families.
I was reading out of my daily devotional and this really spoke to me.
"At His Feet" devotional-
In a crisis, we are prone to set our minds on the desired outcome. We fix our gaze on the preferred result and ask God to accomplish it. That outcome may be good and holy, but as long as it is our hope, we are not focused on Jesus and His kingdom. Jesus asks us to set our minds on God and accept what He accomplishes. The outcome may be exactly the same in both cases; but calm in our hearts will only be a reality in the latter approach. We cannot experience the peace of faith when our eyes see God as a tool to accomplish our purposes. Our eyes can be either on God or on outcomes. Not Both.
Jesus is constantly telling us to think in a way contrary to our fallen nature. It's difficult; we need frequent reminding. But it's the only way to internal rest. Pry your hopes off of your circumstances and put them on the Person who promises peace. Desire only Him, and you will never be disappointed. Or worried.
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This was a good reminder for me to quit focusing on the difficult circumstances of our marriage and put my attention "on the Person who promises peace." I need this reminder daily. Worry is in my nature. My old nature...
2 Corinthians 5:17 (TNIV)
17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!
Hope is all I need to keep going. As long as the Lord provides Neely and I with hope, even just a little, there is no doubt in my mind we will make it til death parts us...
God's promises are so sweet
Psalm 9:18 (TNIV)
18 But God will never forget the needy; the hope of the afflicted will never perish.
