LOVE AT FIRST SITE???? - by neely

If you are one of those girls who had such an easy breezy time being a new mom, this isnt for you. Also, I respect those girls who have ten thousand kids one after another and always have a smile.
I went to lunch last week with my friend jessica who just had a little boy a few weeks ago. She reminded me of the things I felt when I had Drew.
When I found out I was pregnant with Drew, I was so excited. Nervous, but excited. Little did I know, she would rock my world.
When you're pregnant people tell you all kinds of things. Most people told me that the first glance at their child, they fell in love!!!! Some said, "I locked eyes with my sweet baby and I was hooked". Others said, "The second he came out, I was on cloud nine!"
Well... I didnt feel those things when Drew was born. Does that make me a terrible person? Don't get me wrong, when they first handed her to me, there was already a love in my heart for her, but I didn't feel like I was on cloud nine. I still felt very nervous. I felt dumb because I didn't know how to feed her or even calm her. I remember laying in the hospital bed with her laying in her little bed next to me. She was finally asleep. Josh was asleep. My parents had left for the night. And I just sobbed. As I was looking at her, I was thinking. "I don't know her. She's never going to leave. I'm 100% responsible for her well being, safety, and even happiness. I have to take care and love someone I dont even know???" It completely overwhelmed me and I was wondering why I didnt feel the "love at first site".
I guess that makes me really selfish. But those thoughts and feelings were real to me. I was nervous about leaving the hospital because I wasn't going to have all that help at home. When we got home the first night, josh and I both cried. We were so overwhelmed.
I cried everyday if not ALL day for about 3 to 4 months. People would call it "baby blues" or "post partum", but i didnt like it being called that. It felt way more intense and real than just "baby blues". I was in mourning over my freedom, my body, and myself. And it was hard for me to believe that there were some mom's who didnt feel this way even a little. I couldnt just go on a date with my husband, i couldnt just go to sonic, target, or the mall. Now, i had a little person that either had to come with me or i had to get a babysitter. There were three things I constantly felt. If not one all of them. SADNESS, GUILT, AND TRICKED. I felt sad sometimes because I was a completely new person. I was no longer a wife with a good job and lots of freedom. I was now a stay at home mom, with no job, and completely responsible for this little baby I've never met before. My whole identity changed over night. And i felt guilty. Guilty for being sad when i should be happy. Guilty for crying when i should be smiling. Guilty for leaving her with someone else for a while. And last I felt tricked. God gives you 9 months to prepare yourself, and people give you books and advice to prepare yourself. But NOTHING can prepare you for this kind of change. No one tells you about all the details about how hard it is to adjust. I guess they dont want to scare you. But I wish someone did tell me about this part. It's just plain tough, there's no getting around it.
Now for the hope, positive, and happy part of what i want to say :) IT GET'S BETTER. Especially when you ask God for his help.
When people find out you are having a hard time as a new mom, they start to tell their secrets. How they felt depressed too. That helped me so much to know I wasnt this selfish girl who was the only one who felt these things. I remember when Drew was about 5 weeks old, i had just finished giving her a bottle. I set the bottle down and looked down and she smiled so big at me, looked me straight in the eyes, and then let out a little sigh. My heart skipped a beat. It was the first time she ever smiled. She had smiled in her sleep but she never smiled purposely before that moment. It was the first time I felt that love, that everyone talks about. It takes a newborn a few weeks to smile at you. And when they do, you will know that they like you!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) Its the best. That day was the first day i felt truly connected to her. And little by little your days get easier, you get to know them more. Drew will be two next month, and I will say I still have "those days" every once in a while when I wish I was free again. But my love has grown through the roof for drew. She's my little friend. I want her in my life. I'm so glad I have her. Dont know what i'd do without her. All the sad days were very well worth it. She's my squarshy baby lovers :) So the love at first site didn't happen for me. My love for Drew grew bigger everyday. The more I got to know her the more I loved her. :)
If you are a new mom and ever want to vent, cry, or talk please email me. I'll cry with you. :) neelyjacobson@hotmail.com

Psalms 30:4 (msg.) - The nights of crying your eyes out give way to days of laughter!