WORN - by Josh

It has been awhile and a lot has happened since my last post. We had our second baby girl Cole Delaney in May.  It has been so much fun relearning how to take care of a baby again.  She is sweet joy to our family.  Neely and I also had to say goodbye to two very special grandparents.  It was the first time in our 7 year marriage we have had to deal with the loss of a family member.

Along with those major, life-altering, changes we have walked through one of the driest spiritual seasons I can remember.  Not only has the Lord been extremely distant and quiet, but struggle after struggle seems to pile on us.  Work has been more difficult than normal for me this past year, we both are struggling to find balance and routine with two kids, the sleepless nights seem never ending, the blatant road blocks are so obvious its almost laughable at times, and 3 out of the 4 of us have been or still are sick since Thanksgiving! 

As I type this post I want to make it clear that I know things could be much much worse.  Comparatively speaking, our issues are small.  The Lord still has met all of our needs.  I almost feel guilty sharing our "struggles" when I know people have real issues.  None the less, life has been brutal in our house.  There is a heaviness here at home.  Oppression reigns.  I wake up defeated often.  We have yet to be given direction, reassurance, or much of a glimpse that the Lord is on the job. 

In the midst of all the craziness we feel, a couple of verses have stuck out to Neely and I lately.  It is helpful to know we are not alone in our suffering...

1 Peter 5:8-9 Contemporary English Version (CEV)

⁸ Be on your guard and stay awake. Your enemy, the devil, is like a roaring lion, sneaking around to find someone to attack. ⁹ But you must resist the devil and stay strong in your faith. You know that all over the world the Lord’s followers are suffering just as you are. 

The second part of this verse gives me hope to know that God will restore us...

1 Peter 5:10-11 Contemporary English Version (CEV)
 ¹⁰ But God shows undeserved kindness to everyone. That’s why he appointed Christ Jesus to choose you to share in his eternal glory. You will suffer for a while, but God will make you complete, steady, strong, and firm. ¹¹ God will be in control forever! Amen.

I have always loved this verse at the beginning of James.  Lately, its been a tough verse to swallow...I am supposed to have JOY when I face trails because the testing of my faith gives me endurance.  That is a tough thing to do.  My faith is small.  Maybe some day I will be able to combat trails with joy. 

James 1:2-4 Today's New International Version (TNIV)

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
 

I keep expecting the Lord to break his silence in a dramatic way.  I keep expecting a grand display of his presence.  Maybe a loud answer to a prayer or some obvious reminder He is here with me.  Yet, I feel like all I hear are crickets.  Still through all of the hardship and silence, underneath it all, I know this season in life is going to yield good fruit.  I know the struggle can't go on forever.  I long to feel his closeness. 

I heard this verse in church this morning and it was such a good reminder to me of the character of God...

1 Kings 19:11-13  New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.”
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. ¹² After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. ¹³ When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.
Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”

I love the mental picture this verse gives.  A great and powerful wind TORE THE MOUNTAINS APART and SHATTERED THE ROCKS.  I love those details.  That must have been a serious wind storm.  I wish this verse gave more details about the earthquake and the fire.  Regardless, he spoke with a GENTLE WHISPER... Not loud and obvious. 

So far it has taken me months of struggle to finally get to a place where I am laying down everything in my life and straining to hear the soft whisper of the Lord.  Nothing else satisfies.  I've tried many things.  I've filled my time, my mind, and my energy with earthly desires.  The hunger is never satisfied. 

This verse sums up the struggle...

Matthew 7:13  The Message (MSG)

^13-14 “Don’t look for shortcuts to God. The market is flooded with surefire, easygoing formulas for a successful life that can be practiced in your spare time. Don’t fall for that stuff, even though crowds of people do. The way to life—to God!—is vigorous and requires total attention.

Though the Lord has been so quiet He did give Neely and I a song that is perfectly fitting for how we feel.  I am thankful for it.  This song is what brought about this post.  If you feel anything like we do I hope this song speaks to you.  Thanks for taking the time to read this mess of words. 

I’m Tired I’m worn

My heart is heavy

From the work it takes

To keep on breathing

I’ve made mistakes

I’ve let my hope fail

My soul feels crushed

By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That’s frail and torn

I wanna know the sun can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up

But I'm too weak

Life just won’t let up

And I know that you can give me rest

So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That’s frail and torn

I wanna know the sun can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin

And I’m worn

Even before the day begins

I’m worn

I’ve lost my will to fight

I’m worn

Heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win

Let me know the struggle ends

That you can mend a heart

That’s frail and torn

I wanna know the sun can rise

From the ashes of a broken life

And all that’s dead inside can be reborn

Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn

Yeah I’m worn