But we have so much to be thankful for and we are thankful. We thank the Lord everyday for our health, home, and all the other ways He takes care of us. But all those bad things that we have been feeling are real. Feelings of frustration, exhaustion, confusion, depression, anger, and fear. Josh and I are aware that all these bad feelings are from the devil. We have been on our knees praying for it to leave. It just seems extra strong lately. I can't really explain what I feel and I can't share everything that's going on, so I'm just going to list a few things that I have been feeling...things no one would know about me by just a surface conversation...
No one would know that...
- I have panic attacks
- I feel like a failure as a mother
- Sometimes I want to run away
- I hate talking on the phone
- I have a hard time asking for help
- I'm so selfish
- I feel like a bad wife
- I want to eat cookies for every meal
- I'm a terrible house keeper
- I hate to cook
- I try to do it all myself
- I have weak faith
- I can't hide my feelings
- I have no patience
- I yell at God
I could go on.
Well, I'm ashamed that I've admitted all this to the world. But maybe some of you can relate. I don't want to stay this way. I don't want to make excuses anymore. Right now, I'm praying that God would bless me with the fruits of the spirit... love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.
In The Message, this verse is worded different but I love the way it says it... I've highlighted the parts that mean something to me...Galatians 5:19-26...
19-21It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on.
This isn't the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God's kingdom.
22-23But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.
23-24Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified.
25-26Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original.
I'm asking the Lord to bring these "gifts" into my life and my home. It's so hard when your home is disrupted. Home is suppose to be a place of refuge and rest, and when those things are taken from us, I tend to lose all control. O God, please come.
Psalms 16:8 - NIV - I have set the Lord continually before me; Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
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