It has been on my mind so much lately. I'm glad because God wants us to keep it often in our minds. Sometimes it's hard for me to ponder Heaven, because I have so many questions about it. At times I feel like I'm not ready for it. I think thats a natural feeling though.
I have recently found out that two of my dear friends are very sick. One is a wife and the other is a wife and a mother. When I heard of this news my eyes look straight to Jesus and ask him why. Not that I expect an answer to that question since He rarely answers it. But He does promise His comfort, peace, presence, and protection. As my mind fills with sadness and questions, the Lord sweetly and quickly reminds me of our real home. The place where all his children will one day be. Heaven changes my daily perspective. My house being clean, getting a full nights sleep, bills being paid on time... all of that fades. ALL THAT MATTERS is our relationship with Jesus. If we don't have that, we don't have Heaven.
Today I explained to Drew that Jesus could come back to get us any day now. Her face lit up with excitement and she just laughed and said "I can't wait". Me either Drew :)
Look! He comes with the clouds of heaven. And everyone will see him— even those who pierced him. And all the nations of the world will mourn for him. Yes! Amen!
It has been awhile and a lot has happened since my last post. We had our second baby girl Cole Delaney in May. It has been so much fun relearning how to take care of a baby again. She is sweet joy to our family. Neely and I also had to say goodbye to two very special grandparents. It was the first time in our 7 year marriage we have had to deal with the loss of a family member.
Along with those major, life-altering, changes we have walked through one of the driest spiritual seasons I can remember. Not only has the Lord been extremely distant and quiet, but struggle after struggle seems to pile on us. Work has been more difficult than normal for me this past year, we both are struggling to find balance and routine with two kids, the sleepless nights seem never ending, the blatant road blocks are so obvious its almost laughable at times, and 3 out of the 4 of us have been or still are sick since Thanksgiving!
As I type this post I want to make it clear that I know things could be much much worse. Comparatively speaking, our issues are small. The Lord still has met all of our needs. I almost feel guilty sharing our "struggles" when I know people have real issues. None the less, life has been brutal in our house. There is a heaviness here at home. Oppression reigns. I wake up defeated often. We have yet to be given direction, reassurance, or much of a glimpse that the Lord is on the job.
In the midst of all the craziness we feel, a couple of verses have stuck out to Neely and I lately. It is helpful to know we are not alone in our suffering...
1 Peter 5:8-9 Contemporary English Version (CEV)
8 Be on your guard and stay awake. Your enemy, the devil, is like a roaring lion, sneaking around to find someone to attack. 9 But you must resist the devil and stay strong in your faith. You know that all over the world the Lord’s followers are suffering just as you are.
The second part of this verse gives me hope to know that God will restore us...
1 Peter 5:10-11 Contemporary English Version (CEV) 10 But God shows undeserved kindness to everyone. That’s why he appointed Christ Jesus to choose you to share in his eternal glory. You will suffer for a while, but God will make you complete, steady, strong, and firm. 11 God will be in control forever! Amen.
I have always loved this verse at the beginning of James. Lately, its been a tough verse to swallow...I am supposed to have JOY when I face trails because the testing of my faith gives me endurance. That is a tough thing to do. My faith is small. Maybe some day I will be able to combat trails with joy.
James 1:2-4Today's New International Version (TNIV)
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
I keep expecting the Lord to break his silence in a dramatic way. I keep expecting a grand display of his presence. Maybe a loud answer to a prayer or some obvious reminder He is here with me. Yet, I feel like all I hear are crickets. Still through all of the hardship and silence, underneath it all, I know this season in life is going to yield good fruit. I know the struggle can't go on forever. I long to feel his closeness.
I heard this verse in church this morning and it was such a good reminder to me of the character of God... 1 Kings 19:11-13 New International Version (NIV)
11 The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.” Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake.12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.13 When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” I love the mental picture this verse gives. A great and powerful wind TORE THE MOUNTAINS APART and SHATTERED THE ROCKS. I love those details. That must have been a serious wind storm. I wish this verse gave more details about the earthquake and the fire. Regardless, he spoke with a GENTLE WHISPER... Not loud and obvious.
So far it has taken me months of struggle to finally get to a place where I am laying down everything in my life and straining to hear the soft whisper of the Lord. Nothing else satisfies. I've tried many things. I've filled my time, my mind, and my energy with earthly desires. The hunger is never satisfied.
This verse sums up the struggle...
Matthew 7:13 The Message (MSG)
13-14 “Don’t look for shortcuts to God. The market is flooded with surefire, easygoing formulas for a successful life that can be practiced in your spare time. Don’t fall for that stuff, even though crowds of people do. The way to life—to God!—is vigorous and requires total attention.
Though the Lord has been so quiet He did give Neely and I a song that is perfectly fitting for how we feel. I am thankful for it. This song is what brought about this post. If you feel anything like we do I hope this song speaks to you. Thanks for taking the time to read this mess of words.
My entire spiritual life, I've strived and longed to understand God. I want to finally get to a place where I can say "Oh, now I get it God. Now I get why you let that happen. Now I get why you did that. Now I get why you took so long to answer that prayer." ... I was talking to my mom today about that, and she had a lot to say. She said some things that helped me realize that I won't ever understand God or the way He works. But I do know that I NEED Him desperately. He urges us to get to know Him more, so when we strive to know Him, shouldn't our goal be to understand Him more? Not necessarily. Our relationship with Him is based on trust, not understanding. The more I know Him, the more I trust Him. My mom told me that we are His sheep and He is our Shepherd. She shared the following with me... (she found it at this site http://acharlie.tripod.com/shepherd.html)
"Sheep are single minded, skittish, near-sighted, critters. They are one of the few creatures who, if let on their own, will totally destroy their pasture. They are easily terrified and prone to wandering off from the flock. They require constant attention. They will continually repeat wandering and getting into dangerous situations without ever learning to avoid them."
Aren't we so much like sheep? We may not like to think of ourselves this way, but it's so true. Today, I'm just so thankful for My Shepherd. So thankful that when I repeatedly fall into "dangerous situations" that He doesn't get mad or irritated with me, He just comes and gets me and turns me around to the right path. I can't trust myself, but I can trust My Shepherd.
John 10:3 & 4 - The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep recognize his voice and come to him. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out.
After he has gathered his own flock, he walks ahead of them, and they follow him because they know his voice.
The older I get the more I see people change their minds about God, Jesus, and the Bible. I grew up in a christian home. I was raised to believe the bible was truth. My parents also taught us the importance of spending time alone with God. Talking to him, letting Him talk to me, and reading His word. I believed that all of what I was taught was right. Once I got into college things started to change. I watched so many different friends that once believed the same as me start to question God, the Bible, and if prayer really worked. All these doubts seemed to be stemming from the religion classes. It really rocked my world when some friends started questioning God's existence. So all this doubting really made me want to figure out why I believed the way I did. Not just because my parents taught me, but I needed to search for myself. Not that I didn't trust my parents beliefs, I almost did too much. I could have just been fine with banking on what they taught me. But I wanted God to show me all over again, who He was.
The first thing I realized is that I never would have all the answers on this earth. Our pastor Tommy at New Church said something a couple of weeks ago that always gives me relief. He asked "Have we searched else where because of the things we didn't understand about Christ? We won't rest until we rest in the fact that we'll never understand it all." There are more things that I don't have an answer to.
Thesecond thing I realized is that believing in God and his Son is simple. It's not meant to be hard to believe. Matthew 18:4 in the Message says "Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child, will rank high in God's kingdom."
I think that's the point where a lot of people look else where. They can't believe that Jesus is really that simple. They can't believe that its really that easy to grasp. They cant believe that God makes it plain and clear what he wants from us. It seems elementary to them. Anyone who believes soley on what the bible says is considered uneducated. They start to rely on their own knowledge. I find it funny that people will let imperfect people put questions in their mind about a perfect God. I'll bank on what Jesus says any day over some imperfect religion professor. I mean Jesus is the only man they called perfect right? I think a lot of people are searching for something that tickles their fancy. Something they feel good about. Something that makes sense to them. The ones who question the word of God and Jesus himself are the ones who call someone like me "intolerant" or "close minded". They call me intolerant because I chose to not question the word of God. Does that mean I never have questions and doubts about the bible? Absolutely not. I'm always full of questions. But that's where faith and trusting God comes in. God gives us choices. He gives us each a choice to believe in him or not.
My husband Josh is the strongest person I know when it comes to knowing what he believes in. When I've been angry and doubtful of God, Josh always clings to his belief in a sovereign God no matter what. He reminds me of who God is and what He promises in his word. I'm so thankful for a husband who is solid in his grasp on the Lord. Josh has never been disappointed in me for doubting. I'm thankful that he isn't full of questions like me. If Josh had been full of questions and entertaining different ideas, I don't think we could have made it. It would have been a house built on sand. It's not that Josh banks on what he believes is "right" or any particular issue, but he's devoted to God himself.
The third thing I learned is we're not suppose to feel spiritually satisfied. Oswald Chambers says it well... "If we have only what we have experienced we have nothing. But if we have the inspiration of the vision of God, we have more than we can experience. Beware of the danger or spiritual relaxation."
Which brings me to the fourth thing I learned. Holding on to the vision of God and getting to know him is hard work. He seldom talks back but when he does you'll know without a doubt that it was Him. Expect your friends to treat you differently because you live differently. At some point or another every person will make a decision. They'll either chose Jesus and ALL His word, or not. How will you respond? Chris Tiegreen says it like this... "there are no in betweens when it comes to the voice of God. Either it is heard or not. Either its heeded or not. Yet we live in a salad-bar, fashion-trend kind of world that picks and chooses its truth, as though truth could change with the times. But the Ancient of Days doesn't tell us to anchor ourselves in a seasonal truth. We live in a culture that embraces multiple "realities". The underlying philosophy of our age says that whats true for one may not be true for another. Its lauds those who are open-minded and disdains those who think they are right. It believes that absolutist thinking is incompatible with love and kindness. It treats the words of Jesus as nice and helpful, not the dividing line of history. When the King of Heaven speaks, His words are truth. There are no other options. A firm stance on the words of Jesus is not narrow-minded, unloving, or intolerant, as we are often told. Its a compassionate embrace of what's really real. The words of Jesus are the only anchor for a reeling world. The most loving thing we can do is refuse to compromise them."
1 Peter 2:11(nlt) says - "I warn you as temporary residents and foreigners to keep away from worldly desires that wage war against your very souls."
In the Message it says it like this, "This world is not your home, so don't make yourselves cozy in it. Don't indulge your ego at the expense of your soul. Live an exemplary life among the natives so that your actions will refute their prejudices. Then they'll be won over to God's side and be there to join in the celebration when he arrives."
In these verses Christians are referred to as foreigners, strangers, temporary residents, exiles, aliens, pilgrims, and sojourners in this world. The ones who don't follow Christ are referred to as natives. So to follow up on my fourth point ... this is a huge reason staying focused on God and His word is so hard. Everyone wants and longs to feel like they belong. No one wants to feel left out. God said we will be like strangers on this earth. No wonder everyone wants to be of this world. They feel good to be accepted and part of a group of friends. I have to keep myself in check by asking myself a couple of questions...1) what makes me different than the people around me? 2)Am I too comfortable?
The fifth thing I learned is that God is in control of all things. And that He is WITH me.
Hebrews 13:5 (nlt) - "I will never fail you. I will never abandon you."
Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with life. Just the day to day things that need to get done. It's hard for me sometimes to stop and spend time with him. If I have a free moment, I will try and spend it getting something done. I know I should and need to spend time with God but I feel like I could get a lot of laundry done in that one hour or so. I can get so overwhelmed at the idea that nothing ever seems finished. There's always something to clean or fix! The other day my mom gave me this really great analogy. I'll try and share it with you they way she said it... Lets say you're at the airport by yourself. You just get off the plane and now you have all your luggage. You sit down to rest your feet. You realize you need to use the rest room. But who's going to watch your luggage? You cant lug all that luggage to the toilet with you. Sometimes God is saying "Go!!! I'll watch your stuff! Ive got it under control." I think that's way He says a lot to us and we don't hear him. "Go spend time in quiet. I'll make sure nothing goes wrong while you rest." He says. Sometimes we need to go to the "REST" room. Matthew 11:28 - Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
I know this was a lot of thoughts just thrown out there. If I'm being confusing please let me know and I'll try to explain myself better. I hope you have a wonderful weekend.
I haven't been able to shake some of the things I've seen on TV from the earthquake in Japan. Seeing huge buildings pulled right off of the foundation and cars floating around...It reminds me of my fear of the ocean.
The ocean has always freaked me out. It is way to big and it just intimidates me. We like to vacation in California every couple of years or so and I like to get out in the ocean and see if I can handle the waves. It seems like at least one time every trip I go out a little too far and end up getting pummeled by a much bigger wave than I expected. The waves where we visit aren't much more than 5 or 6 feet tall and yet are enough to disorient me and leave me with a mouth full of salt water. In comparison to the waves in Japan, these are nothing. It is just hard to imagine the strength and power of something like that...
While I watched the news I was reminded of how big God is. When I say big I mean big like Ephesians 3:20 (NASB) puts it...
20 Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us.
I am reminded that the strength of the ocean is absolutely nothing to the power of the Creator of the Universe, the God who moves mountains; the God that "even the wind and the waves obey." Then I was quickly reminded of a few of the many times I have been without faith in this God. In my finances, in my work, in my marriage, in God's plan... So many areas of my life I am covered in anxiety. When the God who lives inside of me can do "far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think" we can't even out think his abilities! There is nothing I can come up with that He isn't capable of... That's pretty unbelievable. I am safe in him.
A couple of months ago Neely and I awoke to Drew screaming in her room. We both jumped out of bed sensing something wasn't right. When we made it to her room we realized she was having a bad dream. It was the first time anything like that had happened. Ever since that night she has been very afraid when it comes time for bed. She had a dream that Gorillas were in her room chasing her. Things became so bad that I slept on the floor next to her bed for almost six months!
So fast forward to right now...It is almost Drew's bedtime and Neely and I both know that as soon as we mention to Drew that it is time to go to bed she is going to start to get emotional. That dream was real enough to her that she now has an honest fear that gorillas may come into her room at night. No amount of gorilla-less days that go by seem to ease her fears. It is such a foolish fear to have; there never has been or ever will be a gorilla in our house, yet in Drew's little mind it is a completely legitimate fear. There have been many nights were I have leaned over Drew's bed and tried my best, almost to the point of frustration, to assure her she doesn't need to be afraid or worry. Each time it feels like the Lord has audibly said in my mind that the same is true for me.
The Lord is calling me to give up worrying about my "gorillas." I am thankful for the reminder of how powerful and how uncomprehendibly big God is. From my smallest worry to the largest fear; they are no more than tiny ripples in the water of God's might. I will still mess up; even in the few days it has taken me to write this post I have forgotten what God is capable of. Even still I am so glad to serve a God who can handle everything.
Isaiah 40:12-15 NLT
12 Who else has held the oceans in his hand? Who has measured off the heavens with his fingers? Who else knows the weight of the earth or has weighed the mountains and hills on a scale? 13 Who is able to advise the Spirit of the Lord? Who knows enough to give him advice or teach him? 14 Has the Lord ever needed anyone’s advice? Does he need instruction about what is good? Did someone teach him what is right or show him the path of justice? 15 No, for all the nations of the world are but a drop in the bucket. They are nothing more than dust on the scales. He picks up the whole earth as though it were a grain of sand.
Lately it feels that we have been under attack from the devil himself. This isn't a blog post about a hard time that we overcame, its one just stating where we are right now in our walk. Satan has seemed to set himself against our family lately and has been trying to steal our joy. Our daughter Drew has been the best sleeper for over a year now, but starting with a nightmare a few weeks ago she hasn't been sleeping very well and if she does sleep its because we are sleeping on the floor in her room with her or she is in our bed. Josh and I haven't slept in the same bed for almost a month. That gets old.
But we have so much to be thankful for and we are thankful. We thank the Lord everyday for our health, home, and all the other ways He takes care of us. But all those bad things that we have been feeling are real. Feelings of frustration, exhaustion, confusion, depression, anger, and fear. Josh and I are aware that all these bad feelings are from the devil. We have been on our knees praying for it to leave. It just seems extra strong lately. I can't really explain what I feel and I can't share everything that's going on, so I'm just going to list a few things that I have been feeling...things no one would know about me by just a surface conversation...
No one would know that...
- I have panic attacks - I feel like a failure as a mother - Sometimes I want to run away - I hate talking on the phone - I have a hard time asking for help - I'm so selfish - I feel like a bad wife - I want to eat cookies for every meal - I'm a terrible house keeper - I hate to cook - I try to do it all myself - I have weak faith - I can't hide my feelings - I have no patience - I yell at God
I could go on.
Well, I'm ashamed that I've admitted all this to the world. But maybe some of you can relate. I don't want to stay this way. I don't want to make excuses anymore. Right now, I'm praying that God would bless me with the fruits of the spirit... love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. In The Message, this verse is worded different but I love the way it says it... I've highlighted the parts that mean something to me...Galatians 5:19-26...
19-21It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex;a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on.
This isn't the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God's kingdom.
22-23But what happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely.
23-24Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified.
25-26Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives. That means we will not compare ourselves with each other as if one of us were better and another worse. We have far more interesting things to do with our lives. Each of us is an original.
I'm asking the Lord to bring these "gifts" into my life and my home. It's so hard when your home is disrupted. Home is suppose to be a place of refuge and rest, and when those things are taken from us, I tend to lose all control. O God, please come.
Psalms 16:8 - NIV - I have set the Lord continually before me; Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Matthew 7:13 says... Don't look for shortcuts to God. The market is flooded with surefire, easygoing formulas for a successful life that can be practiced in your spare time. Don't fall for that stuff, even though crowds of people do. The way to life - to God - is vigorous and requires total attention.
Have you ever seen a couple that has been married for a long time and they still seem happy? genuinely happy? I encourage you to ask them how they made it. There are two different types of married couples, those that make it and those that don't. Some couples ignore issues. You can call it keeping the peace if you want. Or some couples deal with issues as they come. When I say "deal" I mean they get help, they talk about it, they tell the truth, and they stay faithful, and they forgive.
For those couples who stay together but don't deal with issues... they become comfortable, content to live separate lives. They hide things from each other. This is scary in so many ways. It will end up back firing on them. Something will happen and when it does they ask themselves "how did we get here? how did this happen? I didn't see it coming" They were not paying attention.
Matthew 7:13says at the end "requires total attention"... same for marriage. stay alert. stay in tune with each other.
Colossians 3:15- Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing.
Being married is HARD. Josh and I have definitely been at a place when we could have bailed. Thankfully we didn't, and thankfully we had the same desires for our marriage. At our first session of our second round of marriage counseling, after we had just shared our main issues with the counselor, she said "well, the good news is... you two still adore each other". I can't tell you how much relief that made me feel. I knew I still loved Josh in spite of all our problems but for someone on the outside to sense that we still liked each other was extremely hopeful for me. That may not make sense, but it let me catch my breath. I didn't feel like we were drowning anymore. I'm so thankful Josh was open to going to counseling with me.
It takes major guts to face your issues. Then it takes even more guts to face your issues in a marriage. Marriage will FORCE you to change. If you don't change, you will be unhappy. Marriage forces you to become one with another person. To become one with someone, there are some things that you will have to quit doing and some things you'll have to start doing regardless of how you feel about it to make the marriage work well.
Hebrews 12:1 - Such a large crowd of witnesses is all around us! So we must get rid of everything that slows us down, especially the sin that just won't let go. And we must be determined to run the race that is ahead of us.
Pay attention to your marriage. Pay close attention. If you don't, Satan will find his way in and will go to great lengths to distort your view on your marriage and your spouse. If you are not watching Satan will rip your marriage right out from under you.
1 Peter 5:7-9 says... Keep a cool head. Stay alert. The Devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping. Keep your guard up. You're not the only ones plunged into these hard times. It's the same with Christians all over the world. So keep a firm grip on the faith. The suffering won't last forever. It won't be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ—eternal and glorious plans they are!—will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word; yes, he does.
So that's why so many marriages fail... because it's extremely hard work. But extremely worth it. Can you imagine a marriage without guilt, doubt, fear, and anxiety?
Job 11:13says... Still, if you set your heart on God and reach out to him, if you scrub your hands of sin and refuse to entertain evil in your home, you'll be able to face the world unashamed and keep a firm grip on life, guiltless and fearless.
My advice to the couple who isn't married yet, but hopes to be someday... make sure you have the same desires and same convictions, make sure there's no questions. Don't get married with questions. Don't get married with doubts. If you are already doubting if it will work, don't get married at all.
My advice to the already married couple... make sure you put in a good fight for your marriage. It will be hard, especially if you are DEALING with your issues. If things seem to be easy, almost too easy, maybe you should make sure you're not ignoring issues, just so they won't blow up in your face someday. The grass isn't greener some place else. So keep defending and fighting for your marriage. It's worth it. Very worth it. It takes GUTS to have a good thriving marriage.
Malachi 2:13- God, not you, made marriage. His Spirit inhabits even the smallest details of marriage. And what does he want from marriage? Children of God, that's what. So guard the spirit of marriage within you.
A very dear friend of mine recommend I read this book "Love and War" by John and Stasi Eldridge and it put so many things in perspective for me. I highly recommend it :) If you don't want to buy it, I have a copy, and I'd love to let you borrow it.
Josh and I feel like we are finally at a place of healing in our marriage. That doesn't mean we are fixed. I don't think we'll ever be "fixed". But we feel like we are out of the dark. This song is "our" song right now. It's calledHealing Is In Your Hands by Christ Nockels
"In all things we know that we are more than conquerors" - Christy Nockels
